By John Landon
Today, I announce my candidacy for the office of President of the United States. I don’t want this job. Sure, it would be a nice raise. But, it seems like being president would eat into a lot of my free time. I just can’t take any more election coverage this year. I figure if I get elected president then I can go back to watching interesting news and stop hearing about Obama and Romney every waking minute. So, without further ado, here is my platform.
1.) I will never hold a campaign rally. Let’s face it, anyone that goes to a campaign rally is already voting for that person. If I wanted to have someone compliment me for no reason then I would have dinner with my mother (even though I am clearly as awesome as she thinks). Either mainstream candidate could claim, “I support sexual relations with gerbils!” Their campaign rally followers would still cheer. It’s a waste of time, money, media and American flag cloth. And, campaign rallies take up valuable TV space that could be used to play reruns of Matlock.
2.) I will never accept a donation or contribution. Ever. First, I would need to set up some kind of bank account for that. I am way too lazy to fill out forms. More importantly, if I took someone’s money then I would feel obligated to repay them in some fashion. No one gives money to someone and then expects nothing in return. Even an offering at church goes towards eternal salvation. I don’t want my time in office spent pandering to people forking over cash. It’s really awkward telling someone that gave you money to kiss-off. I don’t want to deal with the hassle.
3.) I will seriously regulate big banking. But, I will leave the little banks alone. The big banking sector populates itself with jerks, and they deserve some regulation. I want someone looking over their shoulder 24/7. In the past decade, they’ve destroyed the economy, committed frauds, invested in ponzi schemes, and laundered money for drug cartels and Iran, not to mention all the insider trading convictions. On paper, a banker’s job is boring. Let’s make it that way again.
4.) I will give tax breaks to businesses that make it through the first year, and then for five years afterwards. A business that makes it through the first year is likely not a scam. And, if they have developed a successful business model then they will likely need to hire more people. Small business people have great ideas. I say give them time to get there.
5.) Universal Healthcare for Everyone. I support universal healthcare, but not for the same reasons everyone else supports it. Most people stay in jobs because of the benefits, primarily retirement and healthcare. If everyone gets healthcare then maybe people will leave their current dead-end jobs and start a business that prospers and employs other people. Take away that worry and we may start to see innovation in this country again. And, we already pay for healthcare anyway.
6.) I will never talk about abortion. We have beaten that horse to death. The entire country has debated it long enough, and I am sick of hearing about it. Let’s talk about something else. Trying to convince either side that the other position is right is like trying to convince an atheist that God is real. It’s not a winnable argument, because neither side is going to change their mind. And, while I am on that topic, my campaign will never mention hot button social issues because there is no winning with them either. My general motto: If it does not affect your day-to-day life then you shouldn’t be wasting your time complaining about it. I say we leave these issues up to individual states. That way, someone that hates gay marriage can move to another state and be happy. Someone that loves abortion can live in a state where it’s legal. Everybody wins. Especially me, since I don’t have to hear about it every time I turn on the news.
7.) Animals are nicer than humans, so there will be a separate cabinet for them. In fact, my cabinet may be comprised entirely of animals. John Dog will obviously be running as my Vice President. He has more to contribute to the conversation than any other vice presidential candidate in history.
8.) I will take ten percent of the military’s budget and allocate it to scientists. Scientists are strange people that create great things that make us happy. I can repair a small engine, but I can’t build a computer. Scientists will make the world a better place. Give them some cash. We don’t need a huge standing army, we need a cure for cancer. We can get by without another aircraft carrier, we need a renewable and reliable energy source.
9.) Education will be a fundamental component of my presidency. America has great education for some, and horrible education for most. Most of our population will not achieve greatness at school. But, most of our population wants a job. We will revamp our curriculums nationwide to emphasize science and math. We will encourage less liberal arts. And, most importantly, we are going to make sure kids come out of school knowing how to get a career. Some kids may make lousy scientists. But, they could also be great electricians. Let’s let them find the right path for them to be happy.
10.) Taxes: If you have three homes and drive a Bentley, then you will pay more taxes then the guy living in the suburbs driving the minivan. It’s that simple. I could go into how I am going to completely revamp the tax code, but I won’t. Everyone would be bored. The rich will still allowed to be rich. But, as president, I refuse to find a way to justify why the richest people in America are paying a lower rate than a family of five that’s scraping by. I refuse to find a way to explain that to the American people. Therefore, the rich will be taxed at a higher rate than the middle class. It’s the same reason that the worst team in major league sports gets the first draft pick; fairness.
11.) Congress: In my first week as president I will get someone to propose a single law. This law will require every person in congress to do two things. First, they will be required to read every law proposed for a vote. They will actually have to sit in the chambers, like study hall, and read every word of every law before they vote. Second, they will be required to actually be present for every vote. We pay congress to read the laws and to vote on them. From what I am hearing, people in congress sometimes skip this essential process. We wouldn’t have nearly as many boring news stories if congress simply bothered to read the laws on which they voted.
Those eleven points will form the backbone of my presidency. Again, I don’t want this job. However, I doubt anyone should want this job. There are crazy hours, high stress and relatively low pay. And you don’t even get to live in your own house. Any person who would go around the country campaigning to get this job is insane. The person that wants this job the least should be the one forced to do it, not the people currently putting their lives under a microscope, sacrificing family time and generally giving up any semblance of a normal life. However, if elected president, I will promise to base my decisions on what I figure is the best for the country. I will never look at an opinion poll or care about what any news agency has to say. And, at the end of four years, I promise never to run again. By that point, no one will like me anyway. Hopefully, at the end of my presidency the news will become so bored with politics that they’ll start reporting something interesting again.